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SEA SHELL GAME #42
Judged August 7, 2001
Jane Reichhold

ROUND ONE

1.
Rain on an oak leaf
sipped by a finch
Cold wind spills the drink

2.
a fast motor boat
splits clouds in the lake
to the left and right

Ku#2 is perfect haiku material and correctly uses the childlike-view-of-science technique (the boat does not really divide the clouds but it does divide their reflection in the water). The ku takes this illusion even farther, in that the wake of the speeding boat itself forms white fluffy masses of water which resemble clouds. Altogether perfect. But, as I read the ku it reads as a run-on sentence. The much needed (in my opinion) break between the fragment and the phrase is missing. Whoever wrote this, do take care of your marvelous vision, rewrite the ku one more time and you will have a winner. For now, ku #1 goes ahead.

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3.
He leans against the oak
Striking a match
The old tree screams in silence

4.
scaly skin stretching
around his bobbing red lantern
lizard calls his mate

Haiku, traditionally, is a reality based poetry form. One writes only what one experiences with the senses. Now arises a problem. In Japanese haiku, an author could not ‘hear’ a tree scream, but as I am one to whom trees do talk, I have to accept as reality that this author could hear the ‘scream’ of a tree even if, to others, the scream borrowed the sound of the scrape of only a match head. This ku is not in familiar haiku territory, but I am thinking that maybe the territory should be expanded to include such ideas. I am especially interested in this since all week I have been working on something like:

"leaping / the fish opens the door / of a lake". The uneven line lengths in this sea shell entry do bother me. It would be so easy to rewrite this ku into short-long-short lines to make it look like a haiku. Ku #4 goes ahead.

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5.
red admirals
crowd the buddleia
short shadows

6.
this fat round belly
is not at all ticklish
jade laughing Buddha

Well-matched haiku are shown here. The breaks are right, and the grammar has not been violated. Though the ku are of different techniques, each is accurately done. Though I personally love such phrases as "jade laughing Buddha" and would be delighted and gratified if I had thought of it, this kind of lyrical gymnastics (as in the example of the screaming tree above) is traditionally not a part of haiku. The calmness, the coolness of #5 is more traditional and for that I will let it go ahead in this round.

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7.
hermit scouts the beach -
choosing among found seashells
a roomier home

8.
a dim star shimmers
hung in cool late summer air-
the last firefly

Again, these are well-matched haiku. Both authors are obviously counting syllables, which makes their task even harder. Ku #8 is missing a syllable in the last line. And are you as bothered as I am that #7 fails to name the hermit as the hermit crab? Only if one understands that ‘hermit’ means hermit crab does the ku make sense. The success of this ku hangs completely on the education and knowledge of the reader. This is a factor one has to take into account when planning to share or publish one’s haiku. Will my reading or listening audience catch this? So what bothers me more? a missing crab or syllable? I guess I can forgive a poem with a syllable short more easily. Ku #8 goes ahead.

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9.
fleeting dream
the coo of a dove
outside my window 

10.
Tapping my window
With a yellow butterfly
The wind brings Summer

You guys are getting too good! You are making my job too hard! It is interesting that both authors use "my window". If these were my ku and I was revising them, that "my" is the first thing that would get fixed. Neither poem needs this personal touch. Again, I am attracted by the unhaiku-ness of the idea in #10 that it is the wind that is tapping the window with the butterfly – the idea that the touch of summer-bringing wind is so soft that it taps with something as fragile as a butterfly is marvelous. I love this and hope someday this kind of thinking will be de rigueur for haiku. But for a haiku to make this step into the future with complete confidence, everything must be perfect. I am bothered by the use of capital letters, especially in "summer". Ku # 9 goes ahead.

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11.
May planting;
a new scarecrow wears
the snowman's hat

12.
An e-mail after 30 years
My stomach aches
Letters from the past

Ku #12 is split into three parts by the closures in syntax at the end of each line. Also, this ku is smack-dab in tanka territory (because it openly expresses feelings and emotions) and I feel, belongs there and not here. Ku #11 goes ahead.

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13.
hot lemon tea
silver spoon chinks on the cup
citrus-scented steam

14.
neat white envelopes
all of the day's work done now
run to the mailbox

The author of #14 has fallen into the Euro-narrative trap. We Westerners have such an urge to tell stories and it is no wonder since our literary history’s most attractive feature was lodged in oral accounts. Yet haiku does not work with the narrative progress of events. It may tell a tiny story that happens in one moment, or not, but it does not (normally) follow the author through a series of events as ku #14 does. Ku #13 goes ahead.

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15.
blue sky above the fence
green spikes of pandanus palm
tropical winter

16.
sun through the window
scored by the black slatted blind
warms the blue carpet

Well which of the two evils is worse here? The three line breaks in #15 or the run-on sentence in #16? Both are counting syllables and since #15 has an extra one in the first line, I’ll give the match to #16.

ROUND TWO

1.
Rain on an oak leaf
sipped by a finch
Cold wind spills the drink

4.
scaly skin stretching
around his bobbing red lantern
lizard calls his mate

Just looking at these two, without reading them, I would pick #4 to go ahead on the basis of the capital letters and uneven lines in #1. What the author is attempting to say in #1 is certainly haiku material. If this is so for the author, then the verse needs the rewriting to make it fit the form.

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5.
red admirals
crowd the buddleia
short shadows

8.
a dim star shimmers
hung in cool late summer air -
the last firefly

The comparison of fireflies and stars is a very old one. So old it had practically become a cliché in haiku writing in Japan 300 years ago. Yet the haiku is well-written, well-done and the image is still seductive. I guess, on the fact of the cliché, I will go with #5 for the next round.

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9.
fleeting dream
the coo of a dove
outside my window

11.

May planting;
a new scarecrow wears
the snowman’s hat

As I said before, the unnecessary personal pronoun in #9 is a problem for me. Therefore, #11 goes ahead.

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13.
hot lemon tea
silver spoon chinks on the cup
citrus-scented steam


16.
sun through the window
scored by the black slatted blind
warms the blue carpet
Here we have two haiku painting quite perfect pictures. There is no leap, no pun, no joy, no vision. Shiki would have loved them both. I will take the cup of tea because I need one right now! Sometimes haiku contests are won on such slender associations.

 

ROUND THREE
4.
scaly skin stretching
around his bobbing red lantern
lizard calls his mate


5.
red admirals
crowd the buddleia
short shadows

Okay, now be truthful – which one of these ku interests you more? If you say #5 you need to refill your prescription for Viagra – quick. And yet! I feel #4 belongs in the maekuzuki, not in a haiku contest. In Japan there would be no problem because #4 is a perfect example of the sexy, sly type of verse they call senryu. And #5 is a perfect example of all the excellence of haiku. So, since they are both written in English, do we still follow the Japanese example and put these two in different piles? Or do we put them together in one pile to let them fight it out to the bitter finish? Judging them together, I will go with #5.

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11.

May planting;
a new scarecrow wears
the snowman’s hat


13.
hot lemon tea
silver spoon chinks on the cup
citrus-scented steam

Notice how #11 skips back and forth between the seasons. This motion, which gives the verse the action and liveliness that #13 lacks, could, if we were in Japan, blow the ku out of the contest. According to those who write yuki teikei haiku (strict season word use), the author of #11 has unforgivably mixed the seasons by using two references to spring (May, planting – only one is necessary), one reference to autumn (all scarecrows are fall subjects) and then adds winter (snowman). Yet, in this match, I prefer reading #11 and delight in the ideas its wealth of associations over #13.

ROUND FOUR

5.
red admirals
crowd the buddleia
short shadows


11.
May planting;
a new scarecrow wears
the snowman’s hat

I love the idea that among the things ‘being planted’, along with seeds, is the fact that the hat from the snowman is given new life by being put on this year’s scarecrow. Recycling is the basis of planting and this is a marvelous message for a haiku to carry. The ku is also wise in the ways of farmers and the ideals to which we often try to return. All around it is excellent (I guess I would find, if the verse were mine, the semi-colon to unnecessary, but this is a personal preference). The mix of seasons, especially when the verse is matched with one like #5 which is so perfectly matched causes this verse to be the runner-up.

THE WINNER

5.
red admirals
crowd the buddleia
short shadows
See what I mean about this one being perfectly matched with seasonal references? Red admirals are butterflies which usually appear in summer as does the buddleia. Added to these two summer images is ‘short shadows’ which also points to summer. And notice that all the references to season only point. The author avoids the obvious season words like ‘butterfly’ and ‘flower’ and ‘summer’ by giving us images which evoke these ideas. This is very subtle and very professional.

So, I just looked back into the entries file and see the author is paul t. conneally of England. He IS good and he knows his haiku backwards and forwards. I am pleased that his poem wins this game.

red admirals
crowd the buddleia
short shadows

paul t. conneally

Poems Copyright © Individual Authors 2001.
Commentary Copyright © Jane Reichhold 2001.

Let me read another Sea Shell Game .
Show me the form so I can submit my haiku to the Sea Shell Game.
Maybe I need to read up on haiku.

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